I’m finding things particularly hard – I’m crying a lot and feeling a mixture of despair, hopelessness and anxiety.  I thought it was too soon in the year for this, but perhaps the lack of a ‘real’ summer is affecting me.  I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, an one of the things I’m going to ask is where I can get a SAD Light from.

The depression isn’t as bad as it could be – at least I am sober.  Being ‘healthy’ in my lifestyle certainly helps.  I remember why I gave up drinking – I was worried that I was drinking so much and loosing control so badly that it wouldn’t be long before I seriously injured, or even killed, myself.  A couple of times a week I’d drink till I couldn’t walk and could barely see.  I was in a scary place, and I’m incredibly grateful that I’m sober today.

 I’m also incredibly grateful that I am no longer harming my body with food.  Although a binge does give an initial ‘high’ it is not worth the massive come down and the guilt afterwards.

 I’m a Taoist, and a major part of my recovery is practising ‘Wei Wu Wei’ (action without action).  Basically, it means to follow the flow of nature, without trying.  Rather than constantly trying to fight situations and control them, which is unnatural and self-defeating, it is better to understand the true nature of the Tao, behaving completely naturally and in tune with the natural order of things.  For me, this is also linked in with ‘Step Three’ of the Twelve Steps: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him’.  I’ve turned my will and my life over to the Tao.

Yesterday was a difficult day.  My depression has been reasonably stable recently, and the drop I felt yesterday came as a surprise.  When you have good days, the bad days feel even worse in comparison.  I didn’t feel right when I woke up, and I just couldn’t shake that feeling of lethargy and despair all day.

Tensions are high in my home – my husband is attempting to give up smoking, and this is making him frustrated and short-tempered.  I’m not the easiest person to deal with, what with my depression and things, and I end up just annoying him.  He blames me when he smokes, just before he gives up and has a smoke, he asks me “Do you want me to smoke?” – like I am forcing him in to it.  Its hard – I just wish he would take more responsibility for his own actions – it is him that decides to smoke, not me.

Shortly before bedtime he asked if I could just not externalise my emotions for a while, which hurt.  I decided to sleep downstairs to give myself space to think.  And think I did – I had no alternative as the sofa isn’t the most comfy of places to sleep.  I realised that I’m ‘fighting’ again – when all I need to do is ‘surrender’ to my Higher Power.  As soon as I admitted that to myself, I fell asleep.

My weekly shop arrived today, and three items were included that I did not order.  They were high fat meats – beef and lamb, and I knew that it wouldn’t be wise to eat them.  I phoned the store and asked them to collect the items.  As I handed them over, I felt good.  I don’t have to feel ashamed anymore.

Today is my 18th day without binging and without eating any ‘trigger’ foods.  I am continuing to plan my meals a week in advance which really helps when I start to get hungry before dinner. 

Only a couple of days before I get weighed!

Don’t you hate it when faces from the past pop up in unexpected places?

 Someone who I’m not incredibly comfortable being around has suddenly appeared at a forum I frequent, meaning I can’t post as freely as I did before there.  At least in the time we’ve not spoken, I’ve achieved a lot and will continue to achieve.  I’ll show him.

 I think I’m in a pretty good routine at the moment, and I’m enjoying the feeling of control.  I’m getting better at cooking too – my stuffed tomatoes and stuffed peppers do taste pretty darn nice if I say so myself.

 I am feeling hungry quite often, which I think is due to having a late dinner.  Unfortunately that isn’t something I can change, but I will be prescribed a short course of Reductil (Sibutramine) when I get weighed.  Reductil works by affecting neurotransmitters in the brain, helping to reduce feelings of hunger.  I’m hoping this will make things more ‘comfortable’ while I am waiting for my body to get used to eat a lot less than it is used to.

 Only 6 days till I get weighed.  I can tell I’m very excited as I dreamt about it last night!  It was nicer than the dream where I ate a Chocolate Orange in one go.

Two weeks, wow! 

 I faced a challenge last night when we had friends round.  One of our friends is almost 30 stone, and he can eat with the best of them.  We usually encourage each other a bit too much and end up binging.  I knew what was coming though, and I was prepared.  At around 8:30, someone suggested ordering a pizza.  I said that’d be a great idea – I’d go and put my low fat oven pizza on to cook.  As they sat their sharing 3 large pizzas dripping with greasy cheese, I ate my tomato and basil pizza with a little bit of cheese on.  It was just the right size, and afterwards I felt nicely satisfied and not stuffed and sick.  Its nice to not have that ‘I’ve eaten so much I can’t move’ feeling.

Another feeling I’ve forgotten about is the dreaded hangover feeling.  Its my husbands Birthday today and he drank far too much last night.  He is a bit worse for wear, and I realised that I’ve forgotten what a hangover feels like.  I feel so proud when we see friends and they ask if I’m still on the wagon.  I know they doubted my ability to give up smoking and drinking, and its nice to have proved them wrong.  I’ll prove all the doubters wrong with my diet now.

 I’m thinking about weight-loss rather a lot at the moment, and trying to guess how much I’ve lost.  I’m trying to put it to the back of my mind, but to be honest – I’m excited!  I want to know how well I’ve done as I have achieved so much over the past two weeks.

 I will be going home to visit family in a couple of weeks for my Mothers birthday.  In my family, birthdays usually mean a meal out, but this time I will make sensible choices. 

 My mum lost an incredible amount of weight, and has maintained her new weight for over a year.  Its nice to see first hand the changes someone goes through when they take control and learn how to overcome the desire to overeat.  I’m looking forward to seeing me change too.

Time is doing that scary thing when it goes by so fast it leaves me standing way behind!  I can’t get used to how fast time moves, year after year it speeds up, but now, if I look away for a moment, a few days go past!  At least this means I won’t have to be at this weight for very long.

 I got dressed the other day, and I was expecting my usually tight size 24 trousers to be looser.  I was very dissapointed when I pulled them up and they were still rather snug.  I didn’t let it get me down though, and I reassured myself that these things all take time.  How surprised was I when I got undressed that evening to see I had actually put on my size 22 trousers!  Its little postives like this that makes the days easier.

 I feel well and truly ‘in the zone’ now – I’m focused, clear headed and I know what I want to achieve.  My only enemy is disorganisation!  This is only a problem on the weekend when there isn’t a set lunch time.  I end up getting distracted and it gets to around 3pm and I realise I am really hungry.  Its then I started thinking about the huge amounts I need to eat, and my mind wanders into a dangerous place thinking about naughty things.  Luckily, I’ve learnt how to rationalise with that voice in my head – I know my ‘fat voice’ is just trying to trick me in to binging, and I can now ignore that voice and have a sensible lunch.

I’m due to get weighed on Wednesday the 18th, which will be day 20 of my new regime.  It will be interesting to see if getting weighed over a longer period is better for me.  Sometimes I have been know to become complacent after loosing so well at the scales.  With not being weighed so ofter, I can’t afford to go off the rails.

A week.

 That went quick.  When I think of the calories I would normally consume within that time frame I feel sick.  I can’t believe that my binging had got so out of control.  I’m ashamed of the power that food had over me.

 I went in to town today – its been a few months since I’ve been there on my own.  I didn’t stay too long, but I managed the 45 minute walk home.  I’d like to say I felt ‘invigorated’ after the walk, but I just felt hot and sweaty.  I’m incredibly unfit, I hope it doesn’t take me too long to return to the level of fitness I achieved at my lightest weight last year.

I had a very nice soup for lunch, a healthy Chicken & Vegetable one.  I was satisfied at the time, but at around 4pm I started to get hungry and had the occasional thought of snacking.  I could snack on fruit and veg in these situations, but I don’t want to ‘test’ myself in that way.  Eating between meals was a big problem for me, and for now it feels safer to avoid it altogether.  Perhaps when I have developed a more healthy relationship with food, I’ll be able to cope with the odd snack.  But for now, its better safe than sorry.

 I made a spaghetti bolognase with turkey mince tonight.  Very tasty and a fraction of the calories of beef mince.   A 500g packet of LEAN beef mince contains 18 weightwatchers points, and a pack of turkey mince the same size only has 11.  I dread to think what non-lean mince is like!

Visited the Doctors today, but she thought it was too soon to weigh me, she will only weigh me monthly.  I can understand the reasoning, however, I want to know how I’m doing!  Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise to have someone else control when I weigh, it means I don’t have to obsess over it.  I think that’s what I like about OA and AA – by handing things over to my Higher Power, I don’t have to think about things anymore! 

My appetite is definitely shrinking, and I think that is because I am appreciating what I eat more than before.  I used to eat so much rubbish during the day, that when it came to dinner time, I wasn’t that hungry and didn’t enjoy it all that much.  Now, I’m nicely hungry before each meal and it tastes so much better!  I don’t know why I don’t eat fruit and veg when I’m binging, as I actually prefer them to chocolate and sweets. 

The sugar cravings are almost gone, and my moods are stabilising.  I feel better in myself – I’m positive, have more energy, and there are no more chocolate stains on my clothes!

There is always a positive attached to the chore of visiting the doctor – it means I have to get out for a 20 minute walk.  I also popped into the shop, and it was a great feeling to be proud of my shopping at the check-out.  Usually I feel so ashamed that all I’m buying is rubbish.  I was sure that people would notice and think things like; “no wonder she is that size” and “she looks greedy, bet all that doesn’t last her long!”. 

 I had a thoroughly enjoyable dinner of pork medallions.  They have almost all of the fat trimmed off, meaning it is much easier to wash the tray afterwards!

Thats the last of the Cocopops gone!  Only got a box of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and a box of Cookie Crisp to eat, and then I’ll be on the shredded wheat.  It feels almost cleansing to be clearing out the junk.  I know I could just throw it all away, but like many overweight people, I have a problem throwing away perfectly good food.  Instead, I am limiting my portions and eating like a normal person.  The fridge looks so empty with no chocolate in it – it’ll be filled with vegetables when the shopping is done today.

 I’m a little anxious today as I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.  It will be the first time I’ve been out on my own for over 6 weeks.  Its only 1/4 of a mile from home, so It’ll be okay.  Hard to stop the worry though.  I’m hoping that as I slim down, my confidence will improve and I won’t feel so awful being outside.  I never used to have this problem, its amazing how it creeps up.  One good thing is that I don’t often find myself in places I can buy chocolate!

Enjoyed my fruit lunch today, but didn’t really enjoy my dinner.  I had roast chicken, my last for a while.  A roast dinner isn’t something you can do on a diet.  I’d rather have no roast potatoes than low fat roast potatoes.  Good bye roasties!

A pretty non eventful day today.  Had my last white baps for lunch, from now on I will only be buying wholewheat bread, pasta etc.  Hopefully this will lessen any cravings.

 I’ve ordered my shopping for the week, so I can sit back now and not think!  I don’t have to worry about what I’m eating and when, its all sorted.  Despite buying lean meat and more veg, the shop was about £30 cheaper than normal.  I used to spend all that on snacks!  Hopefully I’ll save the £’s while I’m loosing lb’s.

 Below is a summary of my meals for the week.  There are a few items that aren’t icredibly healthy, but I have them in and don’t want to throw them out.  I’m using up the ‘bad’ foods in the house and will not be buying any more.  The numbers are Weight Watchers ‘Points’, I find these so much easier to work with than calories.  A woman of my age and size can eat a maximum of 27 points a day.

Click on thumbnail to see meal plan:

I dreamt about binging last night, and I have to say it was rather helpful!  I used to dream about smoking in my first few weeks of giving up, so I hope this passes as quickly.  While it helped me to remember that overeating doesn’t make me happy, the dream was a little bit tempting.  I continued to have cravings after dinner, but managed to distracted myself by watching TV.  I’m looking forward to the time when I no longer thing about food every second of the day.

Another late lunch today, due to problems with the husband.  He slept in late, and ignored me all morning.  Even when asked a direct question, he just didn’t respond.  After  a couple of hours he asked if I was okay, and I explained about him ignoring me.  His excuse?  He didn’t hear me.  I know I may sound unsympathetic – I mean he does work 60 hour weeks, but I don’t ask him to do that.  He is burnt out because he is working too much.  I try and persuade him to have a holiday or to slow down, but he wants to be the best employee.  He thinks I am over worrying, and perhaps I am.  If I am, its only because my Dad had a nervous breakdown due to overwork.

 It was brought home to me how much I want to get control over my weight and over food today.  I was browsing a website that I was active on when I lost a couple of stone last year.  On my weight loss ‘Team’ was a lady from the same town as me who weighed a similar amount.  When I dropped out of the team, I lost touch with everyone.  I found her again today, and she is at her goal weight.  I’m so happy for her, and I only wish that I would have stuck with it through the hard times, and be at a managable weight now myself.

 Dinner was at a far more sensible time today, and this made the evening easier.  When I’m hungry, it feels as though only something ‘bad’ will fill that whole.

 Three days of ‘reasonable eating’ and I feel much better.  I will be going to the doctors in the next week to discuss seeing a dietician.