Day Nineteen

I’m finding things particularly hard – I’m crying a lot and feeling a mixture of despair, hopelessness and anxiety.  I thought it was too soon in the year for this, but perhaps the lack of a ‘real’ summer is affecting me.  I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, an one of the things I’m going to ask is where I can get a SAD Light from.

The depression isn’t as bad as it could be – at least I am sober.  Being ‘healthy’ in my lifestyle certainly helps.  I remember why I gave up drinking – I was worried that I was drinking so much and loosing control so badly that it wouldn’t be long before I seriously injured, or even killed, myself.  A couple of times a week I’d drink till I couldn’t walk and could barely see.  I was in a scary place, and I’m incredibly grateful that I’m sober today.

 I’m also incredibly grateful that I am no longer harming my body with food.  Although a binge does give an initial ‘high’ it is not worth the massive come down and the guilt afterwards.

 I’m a Taoist, and a major part of my recovery is practising ‘Wei Wu Wei’ (action without action).  Basically, it means to follow the flow of nature, without trying.  Rather than constantly trying to fight situations and control them, which is unnatural and self-defeating, it is better to understand the true nature of the Tao, behaving completely naturally and in tune with the natural order of things.  For me, this is also linked in with ‘Step Three’ of the Twelve Steps: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him’.  I’ve turned my will and my life over to the Tao.