Awoke feeling postive again, but I do feel that I am not doing enough.  Had some cravings after the cheese tomorrow.  Looking forward to Wednesday onwards, when I’ll be able to eat just ‘good’ and ‘non-trigger’ foods.  I’ve yet to plan meals as it is difficult – my Husband has very limited tastes and also needs a high calorie diet!  I’ll do some planning later today.

As yesterday, the cravings are not too bad before lunch time.  I am having a later lunch today as my Husband is home from work.  I’m trying to persuade him to eat earlier in the evening.

 I think I will start following the Weight Watchers ‘Core’ plan – it is a sensible diet, and a good place to start.  I’ve followed the Weight Watchers ‘Points’ plan before and lost a few stone, and I managed not to binge for a couple of months.  I remember the sugar cravings fading after a few weeks.  Once I am in the swing of only eating ‘good’ foods, I’ll begin to tackle my portion size.  While I am not binging at meal times, I do think I am eating larger portions that I should.  One step at a time though – I don’t want to do too much at first as I tend to get worn out if I do this.

 I was very close to ’emotional’ eating today.  I got my hamster out for a fuss, and he has a small bald patch on his back.  It isn’t sore, and he isn’t upset by it, but it brought it home how much I love him, and how much it will hurt when he is gone . 

I didn’t serve dinner untill 11:15pm, which didn’t help my cravings.  I need to plan more carefully to make sure I don’t get distracted and end up cooking late.

 A quote I read on a forum really helped today – someone said something about how damaging our bodies with food doesn’t help any emotional pain we felt.  I kept telling myself today that if I ate a whole tub of icecream, I wouldn’t feel any better.  Its been a long time since I’ve been able to talk myself out of a craving.  When struggling with my drinking, I looked in to Rational Recovery.  The program focuses on Addictive Voice Recognition Technique, which is something I have found very useful.  I learnt to recognise the ‘Alcoholic’ voice in my head – I know its tricks now, all the sneaky things it tells me to try and fool me in to drinking.  I’m apply the same technique to my ‘Overeating/Binging’ voice.

Woke up this morning feeling positive – that’s something that hasn’t happened for a long time.  I think I’ve been feeling so low about food as my last attempt at dieting was unsuccessful.  I attempted a very low calorie diet only a month after giving up cigarettes and alcohol.  I’m lucky I managed to stick to those two.  Its been 7 months now, and I think I’m ready to tackle my next demon.

 Starting slowly, I had a bowl or cereal this morning.  Usually I’d just head straight for the chocolate.  I do feel better.

 I’ve also started wearing my ‘Big Cold Turkey’ bracelet.  This was from a kit my Mum got me when I gave up smoking.  It contained a journal, bracelet, badges and other motivational equipment.  It is designed for anyone giving something up.  Something as simple as wearing the bracelet helps me remember why I’m doing this.  For more, see: Http://www.thebigcoldturkey.com/

 I found that I started getting hungry at around 6pm.  Well, I suppose it isn’t ‘real’ hunger, just a sort of peckish feeling.  Only problem with eating so late I suppose!  Dinner here is usually around 9pm as my Husband works long hours.  Drinking water helps take the edge of the hunger.  The new medication that I’ve started on to take away the side effects of my antidepressants is making me feel more hungry.  Hopefully this will be a short term solution, but I have the option of taking appetite suppressants if I have managed to loose weight after a month.

 The cravings were strong after dinner, and I think I need to add some foods to my ‘Warning’ list.  I had a home made lasagna with low fat mince, but with white pasta and cheese.  The sauce wasn’t home made, and there was a lot of sugar.  I had already bought the ingredients and decided to cook as normal.  My current supplies will run out on Wednesday and I can then make smarter choices.

 I feel positive after completing Day One, and I know I will sleep well tonight!  I have awarded myself a sticker in my Food Diary.

Seeing as I have already binged today, I shall not count this as Day One.

 I have been considering my weight for a couple of weeks.  Actually, I constantly think about food, my weight and all the other related issues.  But, in the past few weeks, I have felt my desire to do something growing.  Hopefully now I am at the point where I can begin my journey again.

 I am currently 19 Stone 5lbs (271lbs).  At my heaviest, I was approximately 21 Stone 7lbs (301).  I have ‘dieted’ before and last year I managed to loose about 4 stone.  It didn’t take long to gain that back.

I am a comfort eater, and I am a binge eater.  I use food to cope with my depression.  I use food to celebrate.  I use food for any purpose. 

 I’m also the daughter of a Recovering Alcoholic.  Since my early teens, I’ve used drink as a way to cope with my problems.  I realised that I did not want alcohol to kill me, and I knew that if I continued the way I was going, that would happen sooner rather than later.  I am now 7 months sober.

 I have started the first ‘stage’ as I see it.  I have boxed up all the ‘bad’ food – the foods that I have no control over.  I still have a few slightly unhealthy foods in the fridge, but I will be eating them as a ‘normal’ person for the next week.  Come Monday, I shall have a fridge full of low fat and low calorie foods.  

 From today, I will no longer snack.  I will not be limiting my food at meal times (3 of these a day only!) as I want to take small steps at first.  I do not want to ‘crash diet’.  I want to change my life and my relationship with food.  I want to stop thinking about food every minute of every day.

 Most of all, I don’t want food to kill me.