Day Eighteen

Yesterday was a difficult day.  My depression has been reasonably stable recently, and the drop I felt yesterday came as a surprise.  When you have good days, the bad days feel even worse in comparison.  I didn’t feel right when I woke up, and I just couldn’t shake that feeling of lethargy and despair all day.

Tensions are high in my home – my husband is attempting to give up smoking, and this is making him frustrated and short-tempered.  I’m not the easiest person to deal with, what with my depression and things, and I end up just annoying him.  He blames me when he smokes, just before he gives up and has a smoke, he asks me “Do you want me to smoke?” – like I am forcing him in to it.  Its hard – I just wish he would take more responsibility for his own actions – it is him that decides to smoke, not me.

Shortly before bedtime he asked if I could just not externalise my emotions for a while, which hurt.  I decided to sleep downstairs to give myself space to think.  And think I did – I had no alternative as the sofa isn’t the most comfy of places to sleep.  I realised that I’m ‘fighting’ again – when all I need to do is ‘surrender’ to my Higher Power.  As soon as I admitted that to myself, I fell asleep.

My weekly shop arrived today, and three items were included that I did not order.  They were high fat meats – beef and lamb, and I knew that it wouldn’t be wise to eat them.  I phoned the store and asked them to collect the items.  As I handed them over, I felt good.  I don’t have to feel ashamed anymore.

Today is my 18th day without binging and without eating any ‘trigger’ foods.  I am continuing to plan my meals a week in advance which really helps when I start to get hungry before dinner. 

Only a couple of days before I get weighed!